the ****....... ff9 the worst......are you on crack?j/k but come on ff9 was one of the best rpgs there is. oh my god.Worst Reviews Ever
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DaBob-omb
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2001 1:00 am
- Location: Funkytown
OK, FF9 was not the most horrible Final Fantasy game ever. Sure, it was horrible and lacked the character freedom of other FF games, and whose major villain, Kuja, was a joke. I still have no idea whether it's a boy or a girl. Maybe it's both. Maybe a guy could try and please it sexually, only to get poked in the eye.
Anyway, here are the reviews you guys didn't do for me. Props go to Yoshimaster for taking care of things. Nice job. BTW, I was the one who started that topic on the Misc. Forum. I figured this would be a better place to revive it.
Donkey Kong 64
If you're going to ruin the Donkey Kong series, why not do it right and let Hudson do it like with Paper Mario? The plot of the game is proof that Nintendo and Rareware aren't real big on story. Or gameplay. Or fun. Or graphics. Or replay value. Or anything.
Basically, the storyline is one that I'm sure some of you have already seen in Mario and Donkey Kong games of the past. They combine the element that has been in every single worthy Mario and Donkey Kong game to date: kidnapping. Apparently, someone gets kidnapped in this game because Nintendo thought that its fans might object to a game that does not involve a damsel in distress of some kind. Tie-sporting gorilla Donkey Kong must find his nephew Diddy, his nephew's girlfriend's sister Tiny, the orangutan Lanky, called the "joker of the pack" even though he never makes anybody laugh and is really as funny as grilled cheese. The only monkey that made me even chuckle was Donkey Kong when he dry-humped trees as he climbed them. Also on the list to be rescued is Chunky, Donkey's nephew's girlfriends' cousin's brother. Damn, I wish these monkeys weren't related. (Something which, incidentally, would make the relationship between Diddy Kong and Dixie Kong of Donkey Kong Country 2 incest.)
Just when you think kidnapping is the whole plot (and believe me, I wish it was) you find out that there's more to the story, which adds "depth" to the plot. The fat lizard from the Donkey Kong Country series and some Flintstones episodes, King K. Rool, is insecure about his impotence, so he gets out a big gun to destroy DK's island to prove that he in fact has impressive phallic power. In addition to that, he's taken away 201 of DK's golden bananas, as a metaphor of him taking away DK's phallic prowess. In a nutshell, here's the plot: Find DK's 201 penises by releasing the other Kongs, who will also find their penises (Yes, even Tiny) while you stop K. Rool's huge penis. There you have it. The best attempt at plot Nintendo has ever made. Maybe Rare and Nintendo should stick to arcade games and stop inflicting these perverted games on the public.
I'll do Dragon Warrior and Chrono Cross in another post. I need a lot more than three smilies to describe the both of them.
[ August 08, 2002, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: Motley Crue ]
Anyway, here are the reviews you guys didn't do for me. Props go to Yoshimaster for taking care of things. Nice job. BTW, I was the one who started that topic on the Misc. Forum. I figured this would be a better place to revive it.
Donkey Kong 64
If you're going to ruin the Donkey Kong series, why not do it right and let Hudson do it like with Paper Mario? The plot of the game is proof that Nintendo and Rareware aren't real big on story. Or gameplay. Or fun. Or graphics. Or replay value. Or anything.
Basically, the storyline is one that I'm sure some of you have already seen in Mario and Donkey Kong games of the past. They combine the element that has been in every single worthy Mario and Donkey Kong game to date: kidnapping. Apparently, someone gets kidnapped in this game because Nintendo thought that its fans might object to a game that does not involve a damsel in distress of some kind. Tie-sporting gorilla Donkey Kong must find his nephew Diddy, his nephew's girlfriend's sister Tiny, the orangutan Lanky, called the "joker of the pack" even though he never makes anybody laugh and is really as funny as grilled cheese. The only monkey that made me even chuckle was Donkey Kong when he dry-humped trees as he climbed them. Also on the list to be rescued is Chunky, Donkey's nephew's girlfriends' cousin's brother. Damn, I wish these monkeys weren't related. (Something which, incidentally, would make the relationship between Diddy Kong and Dixie Kong of Donkey Kong Country 2 incest.)
Just when you think kidnapping is the whole plot (and believe me, I wish it was) you find out that there's more to the story, which adds "depth" to the plot. The fat lizard from the Donkey Kong Country series and some Flintstones episodes, King K. Rool, is insecure about his impotence, so he gets out a big gun to destroy DK's island to prove that he in fact has impressive phallic power. In addition to that, he's taken away 201 of DK's golden bananas, as a metaphor of him taking away DK's phallic prowess. In a nutshell, here's the plot: Find DK's 201 penises by releasing the other Kongs, who will also find their penises (Yes, even Tiny) while you stop K. Rool's huge penis. There you have it. The best attempt at plot Nintendo has ever made. Maybe Rare and Nintendo should stick to arcade games and stop inflicting these perverted games on the public.
I'll do Dragon Warrior and Chrono Cross in another post. I need a lot more than three smilies to describe the both of them.
[ August 08, 2002, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: Motley Crue ]
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Greatluigi
- Posts: 11608
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- Location: Radioactive Grinnieland
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Greatluigi
- Posts: 11608
- Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2001 2:00 am
- Location: Radioactive Grinnieland
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Greatluigi
- Posts: 11608
- Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2001 2:00 am
- Location: Radioactive Grinnieland
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DaBob-omb
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2001 1:00 am
- Location: Funkytown
Grand Theft Auto 3
I can only imagine the score of impressionable 8-year-olds who play this game and, by the year 2012, decide it's a good idea to become a gangster and turn out to be antisocial psychopaths who never call their parents unless it is to say that they need $50,000 immediately or the Mob is going to pop a cap in their ass. I guess the fact that games like this sell is a testament to how stupid our society is. We made George W. Bush our leader. We demand lower taxes and more services. We talk on cell phones while riding our bikes. And we play Grand Theft Auto 3...in great, fertile droves.
This game suggests that we've become so desensitized to violence that turning to a life of crime, which should only be done when there is absolutely no other way to make ends meet, is actually a fun activity to do on your Playstation 2. Not that I'm against violence myself. In fact, there are times when violence, though not the best option, is a lot of fun.
The point of the game is--ah, who the hell cares? I've been too busy beating up old ladies, stealing cars, and (my personal favorite) stealing a car and then running over the driver with their own car to notice any of the other parts of the game. You can be sure it's not too different from previous Grand Theft Auto installments.
I'd give the game a worse rating, but when I noticed that the overhead birds-eye view of the previous game had been replaced with a game in which you knew what you were doing and where you were going without having to spend half an hour figuring it out, I knew it could be forgiven.
I might do some other games later. Thanks for keeping up, Yoshi.
I can only imagine the score of impressionable 8-year-olds who play this game and, by the year 2012, decide it's a good idea to become a gangster and turn out to be antisocial psychopaths who never call their parents unless it is to say that they need $50,000 immediately or the Mob is going to pop a cap in their ass. I guess the fact that games like this sell is a testament to how stupid our society is. We made George W. Bush our leader. We demand lower taxes and more services. We talk on cell phones while riding our bikes. And we play Grand Theft Auto 3...in great, fertile droves.
This game suggests that we've become so desensitized to violence that turning to a life of crime, which should only be done when there is absolutely no other way to make ends meet, is actually a fun activity to do on your Playstation 2. Not that I'm against violence myself. In fact, there are times when violence, though not the best option, is a lot of fun.
The point of the game is--ah, who the hell cares? I've been too busy beating up old ladies, stealing cars, and (my personal favorite) stealing a car and then running over the driver with their own car to notice any of the other parts of the game. You can be sure it's not too different from previous Grand Theft Auto installments.
I'd give the game a worse rating, but when I noticed that the overhead birds-eye view of the previous game had been replaced with a game in which you knew what you were doing and where you were going without having to spend half an hour figuring it out, I knew it could be forgiven.
I might do some other games later. Thanks for keeping up, Yoshi.