Worst Reviews Ever

DaBob-omb
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#21

Post by DaBob-omb » Sun Jul 14, 2002 10:35 pm

Too bad it's only Ramza that's at level 50. Any suggestions on who I should bring? I know Ramza and my ninja are key to my attack, since I have two swords on Ramza, and one of them is the Blood Sword, but who else should come with me? I might try again after I write the reviews I have to catch up on. I'll write whatever I can here. Square does have a rep for making impossible games.

Chrono Trigger
PlayStation/Super Nintendo
:mad:

This game proved once again that my little brother can make better games than Squaresoft, though he probably can't actually bring them out into the public. This game, dubbed a "masterpiece" by retarted PlayStation magazine reviewers, does justice to every other SquareSoft game in existence with its mediocre plot and mediocre gaming, all of which is, well, mediocre. You sit through this game thinking, "Is this the best they could do? Is this the hardest they could try?"

The premise of Chrono Trigger is that a boy named Crono and his friend, Lukka, who's father has a time machine. A "mysterious" girl named Marle (or Naudia) gets whisked away into the machine and Crono has to go in and save her. Already, the plot is retarted.

Crono and Lukka end up in a different century, and the king puts Crono in prison. You escape, and see the future with the machine, and notice that it looks much like the future in the Terminator. Determined to stop this from happening, Crono plays Chrono Trigger to save the day.

The characters look ugly. Seriously, take a good look. They are u-g-l-y. Especially Marle. Oh, my God, she made me want to punch her face straight. Guess that's what happens when you hire the artists from Dragon Ball to draw your characters. At least their characters end up used as punching bags.

If you have time to waste, play this game. Go ahead. Play this game and watch the clock take your life away. It's a fulfilling experience.

Super Smash Brothers: Melee
Nintendo Gamecube
:mad: :mad: :mad:

Why is it that Nintendo seems to get worse and worse over the years? Before, during the NES days, for instance, Mario was at its best. The same goes for the SNES, although it did have quite a few Mario games that were sh*t, and were known as such to video gamers everywhere. You know what I'm talking about. The "educational" games like Mario Is Missing and Bowser's Time Machine, games which deserve to have each copy purged from the face of the Earth.

I couldn't find a single N64 Mario game that reached even the mediocre level when you think about it. They tried very hard, but I'm pretty sure none of them would receive the forgiving one-smilie rating. Especially not Super Smash Bros., a game that could be beaten in an hour and a half and contained the most horrible fighting game experience I've ever seen, save a few early NES fighters which truly sucked. And not because of graphics, either.

Super Smash Brothers: Melee is crawling with characters, which is Nintendo's way of saying, "Look, our game sucks gigantic monkey c*ck, so we've decided to add almost every character we've got so you can experience the suckiness in so many different ways." Joining the roster are the people from the previous Super Smash Bros., secret and playable, along with Zelda, Ice Climbers, Marth, Bowser, and the most horrible form of characters imaginable. Come on, yell it with me: "POKEYMAN!" Uh, I mean Pokémon.

Yes, those horrible merchandizing nightmares are back, and this time there's more of them than before! This alone earned the game an extra mad smilie. That and the Pokemon-themed arenas in the game, of which there are two of them this time. This may get repetitive as more reviews come in, but I will not rest until Pokémon can cease to exist forever. The existence of Pokémon itself is proof that God hates us all. I mean, it's a wonder the existence of those abominable creations didn't reach up to God and convince him to destroy us all for all our wasted potential.

When Nintendo comes out with another system (From the looks of it, it'll be something like the Nintendo GameTriangle.) it's inevitable that they're going to make a sequel to this horrible game, so to act as a spoiler, I'm going to name just a few of the characters featured in that game.

1-251 or possibly more. All Pokémon in existence. Ahhhh!
252. Tinkle
253. Super Tinkle
254. Tinkle Advanced
255. Boo
256. Tony Hawk
257. Actual VGF members.
258. Crash Bandicoot (This will cause lawsuits with Sony)
259. John McClane (This will cause lawsuits with the creators of Die Hard)
260. The Taco Bell Chihuahua

I'll do the others soon.

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Wyborn
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#22

Post by Wyborn » Mon Jul 15, 2002 4:06 pm

Dual Heroes. I DARE you to rate this game...or even play it.
Help me out with the best fanfiction ever, Ganondorf Beats Up EVERYONE! You decide who gets beaten!

For the battle-minded and mathematically inclined, there's the Hyrulian War, a revived time-honored tradition!

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Sim Kid
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#23

Post by Sim Kid » Sun Jul 21, 2002 1:46 pm

Spongebob Squarepants (All of the games):

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

The spongenob games are the worst ever besides Fall of the footclan, Chase H.Q, and E.T.

Created by: HIM.
Music Director: Neil Diamond
Control design: an Armless Denver Bronco player
Lastability: Within 1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000 nanoseconds of this game, you'll Immediatly turn it off. I mean, the guys at the garage sale offered to give it to me for free. Well it was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overpriced. Whatever you do, do NOT get this game. Don't even rent it. The Spongebob Squarepants show is the worst one ever! and the video games don't make it any better, it's as literally as fun as a colonic Irrigation during math with Neil diamond playing at full blast and watching CatDog. Seriously, Don't even go within a 5 mile radius of this game. Don't get it, even if someone offers to pay you a buck for you to take the game from them.

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Sim Kid
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#24

Post by Sim Kid » Sun Jul 21, 2002 6:01 pm

Originally posted by Zak's Back from Florida:
Spongebob Squarepants (All of the games):

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

The spongenob games are the worst ever besides Fall of the footclan, Chase H.Q, and E.T.

Created by: HIM.
Music Director: Neil Diamond
Control design: an Armless Denver Bronco player
Lastability: Within 1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000 nanoseconds of this game, you'll Immediatly turn it off. I mean, the guys at the garage sale offered to give it to me for free. Well it was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overpriced. Whatever you do, do NOT get this game. Don't even rent it. The Spongebob Squarepants show is the worst one ever! and the video games don't make it any better, it's as literally as fun as a colonic Irrigation during math with Neil diamond playing at full blast and watching CatDog. Seriously, Don't even go within a 5 mile radius of this game. Don't get it, even if someone offers to pay you a buck for you to take the game from them.
The Reasons why I hate those games is because they make no sense. In legend of the golden spatula, The first boss of the game is a Big Jellyfish. When you see jellyfish, you hide because they sting. But noooo. You have to fight them. And how on earth can you destroy a Jellyfish with Bubbles? And if he is a sponge, why doesn't he just float up to the top and past all of those annoying levels. And if you find a golden spatula, you become the master Frycook? Now maybe it works because he THINKS he's the Master frycook, he's just good. The reason why I used to like the series and then hated it was because it was good at first, but then it got Dumber, and dumber, and dumber, and soon it got sooo dumb, it's a wonder why people like that show. I think the reason why they made that game was because they spent too much money making all of the Spongedumb Merchandise. And that music is just noise.

DaBob-omb
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#25

Post by DaBob-omb » Mon Jul 22, 2002 2:24 am

If there's any justice in this world, Nickelodeon is making as much money off this game as the neighbor you bought it from. By the way, Black Mage is right. You really should put in reasons for your hatred of these games. You should probably use my reviews as examples. Notice how I usually put in things like plot and gameplay. I rarely use graphics unless they really affect the game, like in Grand Theft Auto and Grand Theft Auto 2, for instance, but you're free to use graphics in reviews as you please.

Here's all the reviews I missed, due to the fact that I haven't played some of these games before, and finding them is beyond difficult.

Resident Evil 2
PlayStation
:mad:

Have any of you seen Night of the Living Dead? It's basically, in ten words or less, a zombie movie. If you transplant that movie into a video game, you get the Resident Evil series. If you improve the graphics of the first Resident Evil and decrease the scares, you'll end up with Resident Evil 2.

I only gave this game one mad smilie since I've seen the Resident Evil movie, and I noticed how horrible it was, and that no Resident Evil game (except maybe one released on Game Boy) could be more horrible. The idea of making a movie out of a video game is stupid, and usually the end result is a fiasco of a movie like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Generally, I've also noticed, crappy movies make slightly better games, like Goldeneye, for example. But I digress.

Anyway, the plot of Resident Evil 2 (if you can call it that) is that the same evil Umbrella company has brought the same virus back to life. Frankly, I don't see why any company would aspire to create viruses that turn living creatures into zombies. Profit, maybe? It's like the South Park episode of the underpants gnomes, whose business strategy consists of "Stage 1- Collect Underpants, Stage 2, Stage 3- Profit". This time, you don't play the first game's Jill Valentine and Chris Redfield, since they've gone off to play Resident Evil again. Instead, you play Chris's sister Claire and Leon Kennedy. Not that anyone should care, since it's obvious that players of Resident Evil are only in it for the zombie killing and nothing else.

I felt like killing somebody when I played this, anyway.

The Curse of Monkey Island
Who cares?
N/A

Apparently, this game sucks so bad I couldn't find it anywhere. Nothing that isn't recognized as a game by any websites I've visited looking for it can possibly be anything better than a 6-maddie. I assume it must exist somewhere, deep within the dark recesses of Dark Chao's mind.

Pokémon Snap
Nintendo 64
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

I normally would've given this game 6 maddies, proving that nothing could possibly be made that was Pokémon-related that was worse. Of course, back then, I hadn't played Hey You, Pikachu!, and even now I still have no idea how bad Pokémon games can get.

6 maddies or not, this game still earns the well-deserved, monumentally-bad 5-maddie rank, enough to be considered a warning to any sane player to avoid this game like the plague. To the insane people out there, and the sane people that simply do not believe me, I'll explain the details of the game. In this game, you can do a wide variety of things like, for instance, taking pictures of Pokémon, taking pictures of Pokémon, and let's not forget taking pictures of Pokémon. I think that's it. Sure, it's not as horrible as having Pikachu for a pet, but it is still an insult to human endeavors everywhere.

Progressing through the levels can't get tougher, since you have to obtain a keen sense of observation in order to reach other levels. You also have to throw grenades or something at Pokémon so they explode. OK, maybe that's not what happens. I haven't played this game in over two years, OK? And had it not been for this review, I would've totally forgotten about this game. Thanks for the suggestion, Marth.

Dual Heroes
Nintendo 64
6 mad smilies (Ran out of room)

Blockbuster obviously doesn't allow rental of this game anymore, partly because they've started to rent "Next-gen" games now, from the Gamecube, PlayStation 2, and X-Box, and partly because this game sucks, so I had to go to the video store next to Blockbuster on the same shopping center which hasn't exactly caught up with Blockbuster and still sells Super Nintendo and Sega Saturn games. This makes me doubt if games even go through a process of acceptance or rejection. I mean, how bad does a game have to get exactly for its company's board of directors to say," We won't bring this hapless abortion of a video game into the public because, well, frankly, it sucks harder than Anna Nicole Smith in a room full of billionaires." I mean, if your local supermarket found a head of lettuce that was filled with maggots, they don't sell it to you. If a toy store found that its teddy bears were filled with asbestos and razor blades, they pull it off the shelves. So how bad does a game have to be before it's rejected? You really don't want to know.

I might have given this game a better rating if, for instance, I could play it. I have almost no control, and at first I thought that my controllers were broken. I tested Star Fox, found that it worked fine, and knew immediately that it was the game itself. I do have partial control over my character, which I regret since because of that partial control I am forced to call this piece of crap a "video game".

Amazingly, a few people who have played this game, as the cashier told me, "enjoyed this game". Apparently, once these people got ahold of Mortal Kombat: Sub-Zero (a horrible game, by the way) they were so excited they couldn't restain their urinary bladders. And when you see that Mortal Kombat: Sub-Zero isn't exactly the pinnacle of fighting games, that should show you how horrible this game is. I'd have the entire Chinese army march over my penis with soccer cleats if it meant that I could go back to that moment I went to that video store and decided instead, to use my $5 on Grand Theft Auto 3.

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#26

Post by Bomby » Sat Jul 27, 2002 8:44 pm

I'm loving these! Do Yoshi's Story!

Greatluigi
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#27

Post by Greatluigi » Sun Jul 28, 2002 6:34 am

How about...Donkey Kong64?

Omni_Link
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#28

Post by Omni_Link » Tue Aug 06, 2002 2:58 pm

whoa this guy is a tough reviewer......keep up the good job.
gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr

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#29

Post by give me food » Wed Aug 07, 2002 9:45 am

Final Fantasy 9.
<i>relax, we understand j00</i>

Omni_Link
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#30

Post by Omni_Link » Wed Aug 07, 2002 2:43 pm

nice bad reviews if i'am elected mod i'll do all that good stuff and make this guy grand reviewer. meaning if there is a game needing review go to this guy. thank you for your time.(that was my speech ;) )
gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr

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