Worst Reviews Ever

DaBob-omb
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Worst Reviews Ever

#1

Post by DaBob-omb » Tue Jul 09, 2002 6:14 pm

This is a topic where I'll give you reviews on demand on any video game in existence (except computer games). I'll also prove to the entire world why that game, in fact, does blow like a vaccuum cleaner on reverse. OK, so I'm predictable. I'll also put in reviews of other games every once in a while. I'll use this scale which uses the mad smilies. I can't put more than 8 on one post, which is why I'm not using the smilies right now.

1 mad smilie- Almost tolerable
2 mad smilies- As annoying as a fiberglass enema
3 mad smilies- Will require therapy after playing
4 mad smilies- As good as getting bitten in the ear by Mike Tyson
5 mad smilies- A complete abomination of human endeavor
6 mad smilies- Proof that Jesus died in vain

Note: I'll only use the 6-smilie rank in the rarest instance possible.

To start this off, I'm going to do a rating of a random game. Let's see...

Pokemon Stadium
Nintendo 64
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

If any of you have played a single Pokemon game, you know that these acid-produced hallucinations are a complete insult to RPG games everywhere. It's clear that since all the money made from Pokemon comes from the loads of Pokemon merchandise which can be found plaguing Toys 'R' Us locations around the globe, the creators of Pokemon don't really have to put that much effort into their games. It's clear that this game is just an advertising from Pokemon cards, movies, pillows, figurines, the TV Show, decorations, ballons, toys, costumes, and other assorted drivel spewed to us by Nintendo executives who have since taken to lighting their cigarettes with $100 bills.

The only difference between this and any other mundane Pokemon game is that since it came out on the Nintendo 64, the battles are 3-D and therefore "cooler" than the Game Boy. It's the same old crap anyway. Monster A comes out ball. Monster B comes out ball. Monsters exchange really lame attacks with even lamer effects. Monster A or B dies. (Oh, I'm sorry. Pokemon is "non-violent". The monsters "faint".) Monster C covers for Monster A or B until all monsters have been released and die. If you think of this game as "cool", I can suggest about 20 different RPGs to introduce you to that will completely change your mind.

Never mind that this all plays out like a fight between stuffed animals, there is one factor of the game that tops off all the previous defects. (And believe me, they are defects.) That lame announcer guy. Every time you do something (and even when you don't) that guy points out the obvious while using a voice that sounds too horrible for words to describe. It makes you want to not only turn on the mute button, but cutting your ears of with a chain saw you that you may never hear again. For argument's sake, here are sounds I'd rather hear than the announcer:

1. Robert Goulet singing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida".
2. An old lady with a voice box attempting to sing N'Sync's "Bye Bye Bye"
3. Melanie Griffith reciting Shakespeare.
4. Donkeys having sex through a microphone.

That's just an example of the reviews I can give you. Anyway, all you have to do is ask for a review and I'll write it out. You can even write your own reviews in here for fun. Let's keep those reviews coming.

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#2

Post by DaBob-omb » Wed Jul 10, 2002 3:53 pm

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Nintendo 64
:mad: :mad:

I got this game at around the same time I bought my N64 console, because everybody had one and I didn't and it pissed me off. I looked at this extension of the Zelda series and thought that the concept had promise. A Zelda game in 3 dimensions, which I had some pretty high hopes for. Remind me to uncork my penis with a corkscrew the next time a thought like that passes through my mind on any game.

Ocarina of Time has proven to be the second-worst game in the entire series. (Next to the horrible waste of effort known as Link's Awakening) When I played it, I felt cheated. Ripped off. $50 couldn't have been sucked out of me faster if I glued a vaccuum hose to my pocket.

I guess all this game had to back it was advertisements, allowing Shigeru Miyamoto and company to sit back and just transplant a story every player of previous Zelda games has already seen, add a dose of the N64s graphics to attract people to it, fill the game with an inventory of the crappiest, most useless items I've witnessed in a while, and excise the original music from the other Zelda games, and in the process ripping off thousands of people who expect to see quality gaming. Sure, there's time travel involved, but it's much like Zelda 3 with the Dark/Light world, in which you can only go to 2 different zones, and is really nothing like the time travel witnessed on Chrono Cross.

If you ask me, this game is only worth buying when you can get it for $5 or less at a pawn shop.

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#3

Post by Sim Kid » Wed Jul 10, 2002 3:58 pm

w-w-w-w-w-w-wait a minute: ARE YOU DISSING OCARINA OF TIME????!!! THAT WAS THE BEST LEGEND OF ZELDA GAME EVER! AND IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST!!

Teenage mutant Ninja turtles: fall of the foot clan :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: x 78 million mad faces. See my review. This is the worst game ever in the whole entire world and it will be the worst game in the entire world until the end of time!

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#4

Post by DaBob-omb » Wed Jul 10, 2002 7:05 pm

Final Fantasy 7
PlayStation
:mad:

I'm not going to go into the specifics of the game just yet. I just want to ask the general video-game-loving public one simple question. What the hell happened to everybody's nose? Look at them, they look exactly like they did in Final Fantasy Tactics! (Which, by the way, is a strategy game released by SquareSoft around the same time that caused players worldwide many a migraine.) Eyes and mouth! That's it! It's a wonder Cloud and Co. didn't suffocate before the action could even start.

This is pure clichéd Final Fantasy at a horribly mediocre level. Anyone who has played a single Final Fantasy game knows the drill. You take control of a hero who is a part of a story that is horribly contrived and full of incongruities, and has no possible relevance to anything realistic. That hero begins to kick ass. The hero finds some other allies, who also kick ass. They fight a ton of enemies and kick ass and follow through with the mundane plot. They fight the final enemy. Roll credits. Gee, you'd think they could at least take a break between all this fighting.

The story here is that a spiky haired boy named Super Saiyan Goku. (Sorry, I meant Cloud Strife.) and pals are out to destroy the evil corporation of Shinra, and face an already dead foe, Sephiroth, who apparently has an uncontrollable leather fetish. It seems there are other details to the story that somehow connect, but I'm not going to spend a whole freakin' hour explaining the story to you guys.

Joining Goku--I mean Cloud-- are Barrett, a black guy with a gun for an arm who utters curse words all the time; Tifa, who must be about a 39DDD; Aeris, an Ancient much like Sephiroth whose predictable death is all but welcome, since she sucks; Red XIII, a wierd lion thingy; Cid, a man who also utters curse words all the time, much like Barrett; and Cait Sith, a robot who looks like a cat. What a crowd. At least Square thoughtfully decided to add about 10 hours of story and character development simply to piss you off because you want to see some more action.

Of course, Square doesn't have much creativity when it comes to naming things, which is probably why most of their references are stolen right off Norse mythology. I'm not talking simply about summoned materia like Odin and Titan, which are obvious ones, and Ragnarok, meaning the final apocalyptic battle between gods and titans in this mythology, a word used in nearly every Final Fantasy game to date. I'm talking about things like Midgar, which is the city that looks like a pizza, and in Norse myth means Earth, and Nibelheim, which means something like Hell. Give them credit, though, at least they found something good to rip off.

Unless you are fond of headaches, don't play this game.

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#5

Post by Sim Kid » Thu Jul 11, 2002 10:25 am

Originally posted by Cuban Pete:

Unless you are fond of headaches, don't play this game.
I rather enjoy that game at my friend's house, but it does give me a headache sometimes, but that's because thost Stupid Terror twins keep turning the volume up.

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#6

Post by DaBob-omb » Thu Jul 11, 2002 10:11 pm

Uninvited
NES/Commodore 64/DOS/Windows/Amiga
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Apparently, Chao knows how to piss me off.

I placed this game on my computer just now so that it would be possible to write a review by downloading it from an emulator. It only lived for two hours. I downloaded it for an hour, played for another hour, and deleted it for a few seconds. Those were two hours I'd eat one of my own arms to get back!

This game embodies what the 6-maddie symbol stands for. This game is basically a "scary" game much like Deja Vu and Shadowgate, where your car crashes near a haunted house and you just go in. As far as I can tell, this game was created by a team of crack-addled retarded chimpanzees. These chimps apparently have a real knack for stories. I never got to the end, but here are the possible credits of the game.

Executive Producer
Bobo

Graphics Designer
Poopoo

Graphics Coordinator
Mojo Jojo

Character Designer
Donkey Kong

And of course, the Special Thanks section included the rest of the Kong family that was known at that time, along with the monkey trainers and crack dealers.

Now, I must take a moment to discuss in myriad detail the final product of these monkeys' endeavor. I'll admit some of the other similar games like this were also a load of crap, but at least they made sense. The "puzzles" shown here are solved by taking the stupidest possible item in your inventory and using it in the most irrelevant way possible. For instance, there's this tricky part where you have to spray some sticky stuff on a banister and a spider will come out from the wall. You must grab the spider and go into a room where a ghost confronts you. Throw the spider and he disappears. It seems easy because I told you. Try to figure this out on your own. Hard, ain't it?

If you ever feel like playing this game, fight the urge somehow. I don't know, take a Prozac or whatever. See, I suffered so that you don't have to. And I hope my suffering isn't in vain.

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#7

Post by imported_Parrakarry » Thu Jul 11, 2002 10:30 pm

Hmm... *thinks up an awesome game*

Please review Chrono Trigger for me. [img]tongue.gif[/img]
Current Project: <a href=\"http://www.vgf.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ubbcgi/u ... 1;t=002379\" target=\"_blank\">VGF Warcraft III</a>

Estimated Completion Date: Depends on which particular project I decide to finish first.

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#8

Post by Sim Kid » Fri Jul 12, 2002 12:37 am

Final Fantasy 3j

:mad:

This game was the Best one in Japan until Final Fantasy 4. Personally, I know why this wasn't released out here: TOO GODDAMN HARD! Downloading a ROM of this game dosen't make it easier. The Music is creative, but for the battle theme, why do we always have another version of the Origionall battle theme? At about 6, it gets annoying. But then after playing Final Fantasy 7, 8, and 10, the Battle music for Final Fantasy 9 is the best version yet. Still, the Graphics are pretty good, but it was released near the end, so they're even better than Mystic Quest's Graphics are! But if you want to play Every Final Fantasy ever, download the ROM. You'll turn it off and delete it because it's too hard.

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#9

Post by DaBob-omb » Fri Jul 12, 2002 9:11 pm

The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past
Super Nintendo
:mad:

There's something about Zelda games that make me want to tear Link's balls out of their sockets and serve them to a fairy on a silver platter. Maybe it's the fact that Zelda games are in a class of their own (albeit a repetitive, stupid, contrived, retarted, consistently annoying class) and are therefore nearly critic-proof. I mean, what can I say about Zelda games except "I don't like Zelda games"? That's good, and I don't, but that doesn't back my opinions very well as a critic since maybe you do like Zelda games.

So what exactly do you expect me to do? Compare the merits of A Link To The Past to Link's Awakening? Compare the graphics of Ocarina of Time to Majora's Mask? Compare the gameplay of Oracle of Seasons to Oracle of Ages? Simply because we see the Zelda name on the package, we know it's about a green elf named Link and some stupid adventure involving dungeons and swords and Ganon, and we buy it in great, fertile droves without regard for what's inside the package. And, hey, if the package says "Eat sh*t!", we'll eat sh*t. If the package says "Kill our parents", we'll kill our parents. And if the package says "Play A Link To The Past", that's exactly what we're going to do.

And I thought people bought these games because they were liked it...

Final Fantasy Tactics
PlayStation
:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

I made a game a bit like FFT on the Roleplaying Forum which I visit often. I called it The Warrior Elite Battleclub, which shows the kind of talent I have for titles. I could've called it Another Piece of Crap and nobody would've cared. Anyway, I took Final Fantasy Tactics' job system, copied it, and then added some other moves and classes they overlooked. People enjoyed that game, and with good reason. Because if I had made that game as hard as Final Fantasy Tactics, with the many disadvantages that made me care for Tactics as much as I care for a 9/11 hijacker getting sucked out of a plane, it would've crashed and burned like a suicide bomber carrying twin 100-megaton nukes with nerve gas bombs taped on the sides.

Final Fantasy Tactics is one of the sequels to Final Fantasy that Squaresoft has made mainly because if you show Square one success, they are all over sequels like a German shepherd on a b*tch in heat. I'll give them one thing. At least the other games are playable. In Tactics, you play on a gridded battle system where it takes one character five minutes to move to a certain place on the map and place their attacks. With five characters and a number of enemies (which take about a second to make decisions, to our advantage) to fight, each battle takes from 10 minutes to an hour. In FF7, for example, a fight takes from 10 seconds on a regular enemy, to, at the most, 10 minutes on a tough boss. Try and time the difference by sitting in a chair staring a blank wall doing nothing. That adds up!

FF7 and Tactics were released at the same time, and from what I can see, Tactics was the tough one. In FF7, you had Knights of the Round, which could take down the final boss in two uses. In Tactics, each battle is difficult as hell, with enemies who are usually prepared in a battle formation while you start all clumped together waiting for the guerilla warfare to begin. Each battle is tough to do and takes a long time to execute. On top of that, there's a possibility that you can lose one of your characters permanently. Each time I lose a character, I must reset the battle, even though I've put 30 minutes of my time into it. And when I can't beat a battle over and over again, it's frustating enough to make me want to kick the crap out of the nearest family member, and consequentially I end up spending hours with a wrench and a pole venting each time I play that game to avoid damaging my PlayStation.

Anyway, my final words on a game are usually the ones you remember last, which is why I always try to place a powerful message in there that conveys the meaning of my review. The message here is...Could anyone please help me beat the fight with Wiegraf? I got a Level 50 Ramza, equipped with a Rune Blade, a Ninja, equipped with a Rune Blade and Short Edge, a Wizard that has a magic power of 14, and Mustadio as a powerful chemist, etc. but I still can't beat that bastard, and am slamming a pole from my computer as we speak. Anybody have any helpful hints?

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#10

Post by DaBob-omb » Sat Jul 13, 2002 1:24 am

I guess I'm better at the RPG type Final Fantasies. The strategy games just seem tougher to me. By the way, you got any tips for that level?

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